I didn’t sleep three hours because I wanted to waste my day. I didn’t sleep for that long to get rid of doing homework, or to be distant from my husband. I didn’t do it because it was raining and I knew my bed was going to be warm and snuggly, and I didn’t sleep for three hours because I was tired – I already slept in till 9 AM. I slept for three hours today because I am stuck; stuck in this cycle of when I lay down I can escape from the headaches, and the mind swirls, and the stress of x, y, and z not getting done.
The hard part, is I’m still stuck when I wake up.
The things I could’ve done while I slept are now the current thoughts filling my mind. “Why didn’t you finish the dishes?” “Why didn’t you sit out in the front room and do homework while Brian was doing homework?” “Why did you escape from the world again?” “Why do you put yourself in that bed and do this to yourself?”
I enter the boxing ring in full swing of punches at myself.
The thoughts won’t go away, and I am stuck beating myself up again and telling myself – “Just go back to sleep, it will torture yourself thinking about these things.”
This is the cycle that won’t stop and I become stuck.
The horrible thing is that the combat is with myself. There isn’t an army of analytics standing at my bedside when I wake up with clipboards shaking their heads in disapproval, just me. Just me hating the decision I made to sleep, and just me staring at the empty wall when I wake up.
I’ve never had friends judging me when I tell them of this routine, and it’s because they love me. So why can’t I love me?
Feeling like a failure is not what the Savior intended for us. He knew that when we came to Earth we would struggle, but that does not mean He wants us to fail. To him, we won’t fail unless we quit trying.
Hearing this and desiring this are two completely different things, and to be honest, sometimes I’ll just do the hearing part. I always desire to pick myself up again and try a little harder, but it takes a lot to get unstuck. How grateful I am for having another hour, and another day to put His guidance into practice.
I won’t stop trying, but my trying process may be a lot slower than the common person.
What slaps me in the face is the fact that I KNOW I can do hard things. I can be a straight A student, I can keep a well-kept house, I can plan activities for the church I attend and have time for being social throughout the week. I can serve my husband, be loyal to my friends, and hold a steady job. I can bake the cookies that I wanted to for my neighbors, and do the wash that has been staring me in the eyes. But I am tempted every day to throw that agenda out the window and curl up in a ball and pull the covers over my head; with no reason other than because I got pulled into it, and my anxious mind had control over my desires.
In one of my classes I am taking, we have written five affirmations for ourselves; essentially goals that we want to work on in hopes of becoming someone better than we were before.
I am loyal. I am kind and I am faithful. I am a good listener. I am charitable.
I can do hard things, and when I say these affirmations, it allows me to know that I am not the failure I think I am when I succumb to my weaknesses. I am working on these struggles, but they do not define me. My strengths do. I may not see the successes every day, but they are there, and they do encourage me to become unstuck.