Sometimes it is because the room is so dark, and the sheets are so comfortable. Sometimes it is because I want the extra 2 hours of sleep that I can fit into my morning if I rationalize not doing the important things. Sometimes it is the lack of motivation that I feel once my eyes are open. But majority of the time, it is because I mentally cannot get myself to start my day before noon.
I don’t like feeling inadequate, so why is it that those are the feelings that encompass me daily? If I don’t like something, like how I didn’t get as many fries as I would like when going out to eat last week, then I will follow through with changing the circumstances, like how I ended up with an extra plate of fries with my meal after I asked the manager to supply me with the right amount.
So why is it that when I want to be productive, and when I want to feel accomplished, I am not as determined to supply the outcome. How are fries more important than my dreams?
I’ve wasted a lot of time being in my bed. More time than I have spent awake it feels like. In my family that is what I am known for – the girl who could sleep for hours.
The girl who could sleep for hours…how is that even the slightest bit fulfilling? You can’t win an Olympic prize for being the girl who could sleep for hours. You can’t put that on a resume, or be proud of something like that, because the immediate thought is that you are lazy, unproductive, wasteful, and unmotivated. The only beautiful scenario that occurred about sleeping is Sleeping Beauty, and that was because of a spell that was put on her. Sleeping for me isn’t a spell, it is a mental curse; one that I wish I could get rid of by a simple kiss by my sweetheart.
The thoughts of what other people think of me swarm my mind. They truly overpower any other thoughts I have. I often will play scenarios in my head of conversations my family and friends have. “Corinne? Oh she wouldn’t be able to do that, because she won’t even be up until past noon. Have someone else do that for you, she is incapable.” “Yeah, she sleeps a lot, she probably won’t come to the park because she won’t be up until lunch time anyways.” “Oh yeah! That was such a fun trip! Where was Corinne? Oh wait, she was probably sleeping through the whole thing.” It destroys me, and because of the anxiety I have, it becomes real for me instead of just a made up scenario.
This insane trick my mind always plays on me makes me feel like I have to prove something. Like I have to show my family and friends that this isn’t me.
The thing is, that shouldn’t be my reason for wanting to change; because then whenever I am doing something to be proud of, it would be for them and not for myself. Caring what other people think is a weakness that I need to surrender. I have such amazing goals and dreams, and I can’t wait to have them be real, but I can’t let the scenarios and mind games fool me out of doing this for myself – it wouldn’t be worth it in the end. I would constantly think – am I good enough yet? Do they think that I can be someone other than an obsessed sleeper?
I met with a wonderful friend of mine last month, a friend that just makes you feel like you are on top of the world. She was truly an answer to my prayers, and she told me the simplest and most powerful thing. She told me that she had read my previous posts, and that I need to be kinder to myself. That if I would never say any of those things to her, then I shouldn’t be saying them about me. She told me about my worth that I had forgotten. She made me feel like I could accomplish whatever I set my mind to. She encompassed the Savior, and at that moment I truly felt like He was shining through her to talk to me. The things the Savior would have said to me if He were present were exactly what she had told me in those moments.
I don’t think that I will be rid of my weaknesses in this life. One of my life time heroes told me that it is something that you will just have to work on dismissing every day – like someone who is addicted to drugs. A constant thought process each day that you can change the outcome. My beloved prophet said this recently:
“I have spoken over the years with many individuals who have told me, ‘I have so many problems, such real concerns. I’m overwhelmed with the challenges of life. What can I do?’I have offered to them, and I now offer to you, this specific suggestion: seek heavenly guidance one day at a time. Life by the yard is hard; by the inch it’s a cinch. Each of us can be true for just one day—and then one more and then one more after that—until we’ve lived a lifetime guided by the Spirit, a lifetime close to the Lord, a lifetime of good deeds and righteousness.The Savior promised, “Look unto me, and endure to the end, and ye shall live; for unto him that endureth to the end will I give eternal life.”
I believe that there is a Father in Heaven who wants to see me live to my potential. I cannot say that is easy, in fact it is truly hard. The mental issues I am working through, and the comfort I find in sleeping is the greatest weakness I’ll have here on Earth. I am certain though that there is more comfort in living a fulfilled life in the Savior, and I know that He wants to help me to be better. He wants to help me for me, and not for anyone else. Because of Him I can live up to my potential and my dreams. Was today a day where I failed? Maybe to my standard, but “one of God’s greatest gifts to us is the joy of trying again, for no failure ever be final.” (President Thomas S. Monson)
Tomorrow is another day, and tonight my prayers will be firm that He will help me carry out the dreams I am seeking to fulfill.